My Testimony

On my journey of self discovery I found that a person can not find themselves until they have found their spiritual self. What, I asked myself, is my spiritual side? The core of my being stood for many things, honesty, commitment, dedication, friendship, honor, humanity, and kindness. What did that have to do with spirituality, I asked myself? I had all of those qualities but I did not have a divine acceptance.

I set about to find that quality. Through months and months of investigation and researching many religions and concepts, I came to concentrate on Christianity. It seemed the most logical since that was where my basis of knowledge had began. Not being a child anymore, I did not just accept what was put in front of me. I needed proof. You might be saying there is no proof of God. You are absolutely right in a physical sense. There is, however, physical proof of the accounts in the bible. A logical deduction would follow then, that it is highly likely the accounts in the bible are in fact truthful.

I researched every religion that I had heard about and many that I had never heard of. After a few more months of research I decided to experience Christianity for myself and I "dropped into" a local church one Saturday evening. To my surprise I found a drawing force there, which would keep me going back every week. Soon, I was wanting more than just a one day a week sermon so I joined a bible study where a lot of my questions were answered. As usual though, not all of them were answered so I continued going to church but I also continued doing my own research. It was not long before I was asking questions that required some thoughtful answers. If I did not get the answer through church members I went to other sources like the internet, my own books and the library in search of answers. The more I learned, the more I wanted to learn.

I researched Christianity back to it's roots in an attempt to prove to myself that this was the true religion that the bible spoke about. Months again went by. I began to pray about things. At first I prayed just about small things. I noticed them being answered so I started to take note of how many of my prayers were being answered. To my amazement I discovered that most, if not all of them, were in some way being answered. This brought me closer to having the faith that I needed that would allow me to accept what I was learning and experienceing. As I watched for my prayers to be answered, (as if it were confirmation that God actually cared about what I needed or wanted), I grew in my faith. I began doing online bible studies, research and attending church. I began to dedicate my time to learning, growing and experiencing a personal relationship with Jesus. I found lasting, honest, caring and genuine friends in the church I had chosen to begin this journey with. Ever since I have moved away from that town, they still keep in touch and still keep me in their prayers.

(For the sake of privacy and my own personal reasons, the exact issue need not be mentioned here since I have confessed it to Jesus and have been forgiven. His alone is the only opinion and judgement that I need to concern myself with). That being said, I found myself in complete dispair and utter hopelessness when I realized one day that I was slowly but surely driving myself further and further into "darkness" by my actions. I had prayed about them for many months with no apparent answer. This was one of the very few prayers that was not being answered in my life. I was confused by that, but in my own denial I kept on, "keeping on", until my day of reckoning. I was decieiving myself and in so doing, probably those around me as well. I simply did not have the power to take control. It was not for a lack of "trying" that I could not gain control, because I had been trying, or so I thought. Finally out of dispair, embarrassment, hopelessness, and desparation I called out to Jesus and begged him to help me if He was indeed my Savior.

I sat on the floor crying from the very depths of my soul, for help and admiting to Him that I could not do this on my own. I pledged that this prayer was an honest prayer, unlike the other empty promises I had made to myself and to God before this day. I got up, feeling no different except tired, alone, and desparate. I sat at the table in the living room and stretched out my arms on the table and lay my head between them. I silently prayed that I was knocking at Jesus's door and I had read that He promised that if I knocked then He would open it for me. I prayed for it to open and that I might be humbly accepted into His heart. Exhausted, I went to bed that night. In the morning I awoke with a song in my head, lyrics, music and all. I got up at once before I forgot them and wrote it down.

I went to the computer and having completed a bible study, was in search of another one when there was a small link at the top of the page. I clicked on it and began a wonderful discovery of the truth. God not only answered the prayer of my specific desire and need of that particular day, he also answered another one that I truely thought would never be answered. Anyone who knows me knows that I have smoked since I was 13 or so. Most of those years I smoked 2 packages a day. It had become a financial burden to me and I wanted to quit but was having no success. I went on the patch but had little success. Over the years I had tried every single "non smokeing aide" that was ever invented. Over the last 6 months I had been tapering off and had gotten down to 4 cigarettes a day and just could not get any lower than that. My desparate prayer and acceptance of Jesus into my heart was December 11, 2004. The day I quit smoking, even one cigarette was December 12, 2004. I have not had one since, nor does the desire arise; but maybe once a day. I ask for Jesus's help and in no time, it is gone. Anyone who knows me has to realize and admit that this could only be possible by divine intervention. Even my daughter is still amazed every day that I have not faultered and had even one. God knew that nothing short of a miracle of that extend would convince me to uncondionally come into His arms and so He provided it to me. I am forever grateful and thank Him every single day for caring enough to hear my cries.

Now, on a side note I went to church last week and the pastor said that "God does not answer prayers of desparation". Well, humans make mistakes and I believe that his belief in that statement is a mistake. I don't judge him for that because he is human, but from my own experience I believe that to be an incorrect statement. On the other hand, on another night, he also said that God predestined those he called and that only those who he called he has justified and glorified. So, take that for what you wish. I personally think God is a God of love and that he calls us ALL, justifies us ALL, and glorifies us ALL. But that is only my opinion, I don't profess to speak for God. You can read His word, investigate, research, seek and discover the answer yourself. It is my hope that others find Jesus as well before He returns. We know that God is patient while He waits for all of His people to turn their faces to Him, but the sooner the better.